


Severus Just Wants A Quiet Week

by elvirakitties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:25:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: Harry is upset with Voldemort. Voldemort doesn't want to deal with it. Severus just got home from spending the last two weeks with the Order. He just wants a quiet week





	1. Chapter 1

Severus had been home for an hour and wished he had gone to Lucius' hunting cabin. He had been listening to the list of complaints from Marvolo for twenty minutes. He really blamed Dumbledore for this mess. If Dumbledore hadn't been such a control freak in forcing Harry to return to his relatives, Marvolo wouldn't have had to retrieve Harry. Since Harry was missing, Dumbledore had forced the Order members into looking for Harry with Severus searching with Dumbledore. 

"He actually called me Moldy shorts and told me that I wash them at least once in a while!" 

Severus had to admit it but Harry did have a creative way to insult someone without cursing. "I see."

"No, it's been like this for two weeks."

"What did you do?" Severus arched a brow. Harry only did things like this when Harry was angry and couldn't do anything about it. "Why are you wearing a hat?" 

Marvolo didn't respond but lifted the hat up showing Severus the set of kangaroo ears he now had because of Harry. "He laughed at me." 

"I see." Severus thought the ears were mild. "When?

"The first day. He won't remove them." Marvolo lowered the hat. 

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Marvolo."

"He woke me up by having the house-elves singing Beach Boys songs in my ear almost daily. If I hear 'Round, round, get around, I get around just one more time, I will not be responsible for my actions. He left me all these ugly knitted things to replace my clothes. Really hideous things that look like they were made for children." 

"Granger. She knits things to give to the elves as a way of freeing them or so she believes." Severus was impressed by Harry's antics. Marvolo must have done something equal to Dumbledore's level of stupidity in regards to Harry. "Did you tell him he couldn't go anywhere and then took control of the wards?" 

Marvolo selected not to answer the question. "He was teaching something called the Funky Chicken to Nagini who now won't stop hissing the tune. He even asked me when was the last time I took a bath while Lucius and Narcissa were here for lunch." Marvolo slammed his fist down on his desk. "I have a Death Eater meeting tonight and I don't want to think of what he might do."

"Did you tell him he couldn't go anywhere and adjust the wards so he couldn't?" Severus hoped that Marvolo didn't. Harry didn't do well when he was confined. Dumbledore and the Dursleys were always confining Harry. Dumbledore did it when Harry was at Hogwarts too. "Marvolo, you know he doesn't deal well with being confined."

"He got a pair of finger puppets closely resembling each of us. He re-enacted all of his victories. He even used a squeaky voice for me."

"Well, what did you expect? You were treating him like his relatives and Dumbledore treated him. Honestly, Marvolo, I thought you learned not to do things like that when you first caught him five years ago." Severus remembered all the different things that Harry had done. Things he still found funny. 

Severus' top favorites were watching Harry pat the Dark Lord (they weren't dating or married at the time) on the head and give him flowers when the Dark Lord's plans are foiled. Every time anyone said the phrase like taking candy from a baby, Harry would add, of course, some of us might find that harder than others while staring pointedly at the Dark Lord. Playing Knock-&-Run on the Dark Lord's bed-chamber door late at night. Apparating into and out of the Dark Lord's room rapidly. Harry did it non-stop for hours while saying. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...Harry kept a good-behavior chart and a bad-behavior chart. Harry award or remove points base on the Dark Lord or Death Eater's behavior. Harry even spent twenty-four hours putting Potter-style glasses on anyone he found sleeping. 

Death Eaters meetings took a new turn with many wondering what the boy, at the time, would do. Harry called the Dark Lord, 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'. He would ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something more socially acceptable?' He would insist that he met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than the Dark Lord's and used examples. Harry would roll his eyes during plotting sessions and say things under his breath like 'you're the boss, boss' or 'it's your funeral' depending on the plan. Every morning Harry would greet the Dark Lord with a sarcastic 'my sir, you look particularly menacing today.' Anytime the Dark Lord entered any room, Harry insisted on entering first and announcing him grandly, making fake a trumpet noise, and give him an equally fake drum roll. 

The day that Harry got annoyed and asked 'did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?' This was after the Dark Lord had been talking about what his own life had been like and why he was the way he was. They had been hoping to get Harry to discuss his life but Harry was fed up with it all and exclaimed sarcastically 'you're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one' was the day that no one who saw the fight would ever forget as they almost destroyed Slytherin Castle with the fight. It was Severus, Lucius, Bellatrix, and Augustus Rookwood who finally got the pair disarmed and worked out an agreement after Harry had screamed that Voldemort was as bad as Dumbledore when Voldemort started to demand that Harry was to remain with him for protection. The Dark Lord wondered about the comment and things went from there. 

"Fine, I screwed up. I certainly shouldn't have allowed it to get this far either." 

"Let me go and speak to him. You will remove the wards and apologize to him. You will be taking us out tomorrow night." Severus rose. 

"I need you to get him to fix the ears." 

Severus looked at Marvolo. "What else?" 

Marvolo looked embarrassed. "He is chewing bubblegum all the time. Every time I have tried to speak to him, his only response has been a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess all over whatever I'm doing." 

Severus sighed. "You tried to tell him why you wouldn't let him leave and said the only reason is that he is a Horcrux, didn't you?" Marvolo looked a bit shameful. "You have to tell him, you know that. His relatives and the variety of Order people have ruined his ability to recognize those types of emotions." Severus walked over to Marvolo. "I will fix it but you are going to owe him big time for this." Severus kissed his husband. "Let me go and get our third out of the mood you put him into." 

"Thank you, Severus. I also say we make Dumbledore for making us miserable these last few weeks." 

"You're welcome. I have already started by slipping him potions into his lemon drops." 

____________________________________

Severus found Harry with a variety of books opened and on his desk. Harry's head was tilted back and he didn't look up as he entered and Severus saw that Harry was wearing his headphones. Harry was sleeping. Severus looked at the parchment on Harry's desk and saw a list. 

Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.  
Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'  
Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.  
Question his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.  
Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.  
If he's having evil plot blocker in one of his scheming sessions use 'Wingardium Leviosa' so that a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'  
Call him Tommy-boy or Voldie-poo.  
Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.  
Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.  
Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.  
Be generally in awe of him and never look away.  
Imperius his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'  
Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.  
Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.  
Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'  
At meals, drum tunes with your cutlery.  
Ask him to dance the polka with you. Polka music playing really loudly.  
Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversations as much as possible.  
Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'  
Get him to play 'Twister' with you.  
Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.  
Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.  
Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.  
Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'  
When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'  
Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.  
Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.  
Cuddle him at random moments.  
Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.  
Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie'  
Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.  
Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.  
Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.  
Insist he helps you with the newspaper crossword every morning.  
Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'  
Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildly depressed' and 'a bit of a control freak'.  
Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')  
Get him drunk.  
Whenever he is plotting to do something bad, say Voldy, that isn't nice.  
Stare around at the other death eaters during meetings. Lean over to him and ask him why he chose them. Ask him why he could not manage to get more volunteers so that he could actually have some good choices.  
Whenever he enters the room, sing him his new theme song: "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He who should not be named. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He's playing a dirty game!"  
Address him as ma'am instead of sir by accident.  
Every so often, punch him in the arm and say "muscle spasm!"  
During mealtime, throw stuffed animals at his head. Tell him it is a message from above.  
Buy him a pink fur coat.  
Put itching powder in his "evil" shoes.  
Redecorate his office with Bob the Builder wallpaper and pink plastic furniture and rugs.  
Make him eat spinach. Tell him it's good for his colon.  
Put a sign on his door that says "Enter at your own risk. Evil Warlord inside." Put stickers on it.  
While he is sleeping, take all his robes and die them pretty, bright colors, such as pink and purple.  
Put some Iron-ons on his robes that say something cute and nice and have things like butterflies on them.  
Don't let him drink anything but a special fruit energy drink that you made yourself for two weeks (the drink is made out so orange juice, strawberry frozen yogurt, and fish).  
Buy him fuzzy-bunny slippers for his birthday.  
Give him an all-expense paid month living with a therapist document for his birthday.  
Look at him with an all-knowing smirk and when he threatens you just reply in a sweet sing-song voice, "I know something you don't know!"  
Teach him the electric slide and say he can't leave his room until he can do it perfectly.  
Frequently ask him the question "guess what?" and when he says "what" say "your dad was a muggle."  
Point to his robes while asking one of his death eaters if they are missing any rather ugly curtains.  
When he's out, make the theme for his room with pink flowers and butterflies.  
Walk up to him, put your arms around him and start singing, "I know you I've walked with you once upon a dream..."  
Record everything he says and play the recordings back to him in his sleep.  
Ask him if he likes the Weird Sisters. No matter what the answer is, play the same song over and over.  
Take him shopping and go straight to the daycare station and tell him that you will be back in a couple of minutes.  
Get him one of the Harry Potter action figures for his birthday.

Severus was a bit impressed by the list. He picked up a quill and began to add some of his own ideas. At the top of his additions, he wrote 'I won't use them. Have fun.'

 

Sing him a lullaby every time he sleeps.  
Tell him that he must be a good boy so that Santa Claus will give him a pair of underwear with Harry on it.  
Change his reading glasses to glasses exactly like Harry's.  
Get some friends together, sneak into a Death Eaters' meeting, and bring lots of confetti and pink streamers.  
Buy him pink robes and explain that pink is the new black.  
Call him Hottie or Sugar.  
Say, "Well! Somebody needs a little sunshine up his jumper today, would you say?" when he threatens you with any one or more of the Unforgivables.  
Get him an apron that says kiss the evil cook.  
Ask him what happened to give him that high pitched voice. Giggle as though you have an idea what happened.  
Ask about the one-eyed snake. Insist you were talking about his pet.  
Give him lace panties for his birthday.  
Insist that he goes to the Yule Ball with you, then make him slow dance in the middle of the crowd with you. Don't forget, everyone wants that special kiss on their special evening, and so does Voldemort!

 

"Severus?" Harry had a smile on his face. "I missed you." He gave Severus a quick kiss. "I really missed you." 

"I missed you too, Brat. Nice long list." Severus knew Marvolo would be using some of the ideas against Harry. 

"Yes, he has been unbearable since he decided that I can't leave here." Harry stretched a bit. He removed headphones.

"I heard. You know why he does it. He is trying to show he cares. Are you upset with him?" The three of them were not very good at expressing their emotions. He was still trying to figure out how he earned the title of being the emotional one in their marriage. 

"No, more annoyed and wanted to annoy him in return." Harry stood up. "How tired are you? I need to get out of this castle." 

"I have already handled the situation. We are going to go out tomorrow night. I would love to just spend some time with my two husbands if they would grow up." 

"Let me remove the ears and we can have some fun." Harry began to close the books as Severus stacked the parchment into a neat pile. 

Severus put his hand on Harry's hand. "You do have to apologize to him, too."

"I know. Why do you think I enjoy doing this stuff. We get to have make-up sex." 

Severus laughed. "Evil little genius."


	2. Chapter 2

"My Lord, perhaps you might want to change your tactics with the boy." Lucius looked at Severus to back him up.

"It might work. Dumbledore has been keeping him isolated, keeping him locked away from everything in our world, keeping him either at his muggle relatives or with the Weasley family. It might be a way to show him that our side is different, my Lord." Severus had already informed the Dark Lord about Harry's life at the muggles since he had seen the truth when he had been instructing the boy in his abilities in occlumency, what he learned from Dumbledore about the Blood Quill, the trial for underage magic, and a few other things that Dumbledore had passed on to him when Dumbledore had feared for his death. "He is counting on you killing him." 

Voldemort had taken the news of Harry being a Horcrux very badly. Severus and Lucius had escaped being cursed but a few minions didn't. Lucius had been responsible for discovering where Vernon Dursley worked and getting invited to Vernon Dursley's house. Once Lucius was inside the house, he signaled for the rest of the Death Eaters and they raided the house. They found Harry locked in his room where he was tied to the bed and passed out. The Dursleys had drugged him as they didn't want to take a chance of a repeat of Harry's second year. Lucius picked up Harry while the rest of the Death Eaters took the Dursleys and popped away after burning down the house. They didn't leave the Dark Mark behind. "Does he believe I have him?" 

"He suspects and wants me to look around for him, my Lord. He believes because of the house fire that you are responsible but he isn't sure. The muggle police believe that the Dursleys have left the country due to some less than savory business practices that the muggle company was being investigated for and now Vernon Dursley is being blamed for." Severus had already learned that Dumbledore had investigated that aspect and discovered the owner was the real thief but was shifting the blame to Vernon. "My Lord, he would be opened to listening if he is shown we aren't what he has been told."

"I believe it to be true, my Lord. He has been feed so much false information by Dumbledore. It is time to show him a new way." Lucius and Narcissa had already discussed the idea of getting Harry on their side. "He has a lot of power that we can use and convert a lot of those who just follow Dumbledore because of him being on our side."

Voldemort liked that idea. *The boy is like me. He is strong too. He will be good for us.* Nagini was curled up by the fireplace but she had spent some time with Harry down in the dungeons. She originally was down there to kill rats but found herself talking to the boy and liking him. *You know he is smart, I told you he is.*

"He won't be able to leave here. We will have to reach an agreement first." 

___________________________________________________

Harry looked at Severus, Lucius, and Voldemort before he looked down at Nagini. *Are they serious?*

*Very. I like the idea.*

*You know very well that I can understand you, brat.*

Harry ignored him. *What do you think?*

Nagini lifted her head until she was even with Harry's head. *I think it's a good idea. You know you don't want to stay down here. They provide you with all the stuff the old fart didn't teach you. You know the old goat wasn't teaching you everything. Now, you learn it. Tommy will be very protective of you since you and I are the same but you and I can get around a lot of it.*

Harry looked past Nagini to the three wizards. *I don't know. I am not sure I can trust them. All of them would rather have me dead and have tried to kill me, well, except for Snape but I think he would if he could.*

Nagini turned her head and faced the three wizards. *True.*

Voldemort wasn't sure how to deny it. It was true. He looked at his two followers. "Harry has brought up a valid point. He isn't sure he can trust us since we would rather see him deceased." Severus wasn't sure how to respond without giving himself away and Lucius had tried to kill Harry. Voldemort turned back to Harry. "I guess we can return later when you want to leave the dungeons." 

"Cheers." Harry waved at them and sat back down. *Told you.*

Nagini wasn't a very happy snake as Voldemort started to walk away from the cell with Lucius and Severus following. Severus looked back at Harry as Nagini slithered out of the cell and the door magically closed. *You liar.* Nagini slithered past the Voldemort. 

Voldemort didn't care for that but he couldn't do anything about it as Nagini was already gone. "Severus, perhaps you should speak to Potter by yourself. You might get him to see the light." 

"Yes, my Lord." Severus wasn't sure too sure what he could say but he had to try. He didn't want to break his promise to Lily or himself. He turned and headed back to the dungeons. He checked for listening devices before he entered the cell. "Potter." 

"Snape." 

Severus had been the one to exam Harry when they had returned from the Dursley raid and learned about him being tied to the bed and drugged. The drugging had been a very high dose and Harry had been close to dying. His breathing had been very shallow, he had been clammy, and feverish, as well as very underweight. "I didn't heal you for you to be killed by the Dark Lord." 

"I figured it was your work. It had to be your potions that got me fixed." Harry wasn't as stupid as many people believed. "No one else's would have healed me as well." 

"You truly have been hiding. I had doubted until this year but after watching you for this year, I was very aware of how much you have been hiding." Severus had been very impressed by Harry's teaching skills and how well he kept the Pink Toad on her toes. He never really believed the Sorting Hat until now. 

"I kind of figured that when you didn't rat us out when you saw us entering the ROR." Harry looked up. "What is the deal?" 

"He is sincere in his offer. He does want to keep you here and provide you with an education. No death threats, no target practice, or other morbid death scenarios you have imagined. As his Horcrux, he wants you protected." 

"His what?" Harry sat up. His anger caused his magic to lash out quickly but he reigned it in just as fast. "Is that what Dumbledore has been keeping hidden from me? It is bad enough he called me a weapon that they have been guarding or that I had to keep returning to my aunt's as long as I called it home when he kept missing me calling the place my relatives' house." 

Severus was a bit impressed. He had been aware the boy was hiding things but he wasn't aware of how much or how much smarter the boy truly was. "Horcrux. Do you know what one is?" 

"No, but I have a feeling it has to do with my scar and our connection and that Dumbledore knows exactly what it is, what it does, and how to destroy it." Harry stood up. "I wonder what else he has been hiding." Harry looked at Severus. "Yes, I am very aware of how much you watched me and how much you are truly aware of what I have been hiding." 

"I do believe Potter that the Sorting Hat was correct, you are a snake. Are you ready to negotiate your way out?" 

"He sent you here to do exactly that. What does he expect?" Harry saw Nagini slither back into the cell. 

*He is in a mood.*

"He expects you to remain here, willingly. Lessons will be provided in all the aspects neglected by Hogwarts, I would recommend you retake your OWLs this summer." Severus looked at Harry's clothes. "I would suggest a visit to Gringotts and a discussion with your account manager. Your vault and status regarding your seats and heir rings."

"What?" Harry was surprised. "I only have a trust vault." 

"No, you should have a lot more. Your family is one of the original 23 families as well as being from one of the founders' lines of Hogwarts." Lucius was standing in the doorway. "I was sent down to invite Potter to lunch." Lucius looked at Potter. "You should also have received your heir rings at eleven as well as monthly account statements." 

"What?" Harry repeated himself. "I have never received anything of the sort. I wasn't even aware I was to get a monthly statement." 

"I do believe we have several issues to discuss. Do you agree to the invitation as well as an agreement to not leave here?" Severus was very aware their words just sealed the deal for Harry. Dumbledore had betrayed Harry in another way. 

*You know you want to agree.*

"I agree but on the agreement that I am not going to be forced to remain here. I want to be able to go outside or go and get things like books and stuff." Harry wasn't going to be restricted again. 

"I believe we can work on a solution to that aspect." Severus hoped they could and that Nagini might be key in working on that aspect as the snake was on Harry's side if her attitude was anything to go by. 

"What's for lunch, Blondie?" Harry headed to the door with Nagini slithering next to him. 

Lucius wanted to say something but Nagini turned her head, eyeing him up and down. Lucius changed his mind about what he was going to say. "I am unaware of what is being served." 

"I do believe Nagini is a bit protective of Potter." 

_________________________________________________

Voldemort wasn't happy with the agreement but they didn't cover the things that Harry wanted to know at the time. Things like what a Horcrux was and other information but the agreement was better than he expected. The agreement provided that Harry wouldn't leave the manor without protection and that Harry wouldn't go into Diagon Alley or anywhere in the United Kingdom without being under some type of glamour and protection. Voldemort would provide for Harry's education as well as Harry retaking his OWLs, and Harry would willingly listen to all aspects regarding magic before deciding if he was for or against it. Harry hadn't been very happy with the restrictions. Voldemort finally agreed to allow Harry to go out on the grounds and into other magical worlds after Nagini expressed her displeasure when he made a threat to have Potter returned to the dungeons. 

Now, he was sitting in a Death Eater meeting and Potter was sitting on a chair next to him and every time one of his Death Eaters suggested an idea Harry rated the ideas. While the ratings were accurate and Voldemort had enjoyed the ratings, it was hard to run a meeting hearing "I give that a zero, Dumbledore will see that coming a mile away" or "don't do that one, the Aurors will catch you for sure, but 4 for effort" to the best one being "duh, Sherlock, no wonder they got caught". Voldemort had a hard time keeping a straight face at the Sherlock comment. During the elite meeting, Harry's comments ranged from "you might want to rethink that one, Einstein, the muggles have things called guns with bullets, they go bang, bang, means dead, dead." to another one of Voldemort's favorites of "I see that one graduated from the Moron School of Idiots." Severus and Lucius were two of the few he did trust and who had brains. 

*Not very bright are they?* Nagini had been stretched out under the table. 

*No, I am surprised some of them are still alive. Not that Order members are that much brighter. I mean honestly, they blindly follow the old idiot with some of his stupidest ideas.* 

Voldemort was finding the conversation between Nagini and Harry very interesting. He had been listening to the two of them all day. Harry Potter wasn't what he was expecting. The boy wasn't what he was expecting in a Gryffindor nor what he had experienced over the last five years. Severus had indicated that Harry had been hiding things and he wondered what else the boy had been hiding. Voldemort was going to be watching the boy closely. When McNair said something stupid, Harry hit him on the arm, claiming it was a fly and produced a dead fly for him to see. Voldemort wasn't sure how the boy did it but he liked the move. When the meeting was over and everyone but Lucius and Severus were gone, Harry looked at Voldemort. *We have things to discuss. What is a Horcrux? How am I one? What does Dumbledore mean by his weapon and we have a prophecy to discuss.*

*We do." Voldemort was aware that this discussion couldn't be put off any longer. 

Nagini slithered out from under the table. She let out a snake equivalent of a groan. *No fighting.*

*We won't fight.* Voldemort wasn't going to fight his Horcrux. "This information can't leave this room. I would like a Vow."


End file.
